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Dear Reader, allow me to let you in on a secret that is finally coming to light in America:  The reason marijuana is still illegal is the influence of the pharmaceutical industry on our legislature.

No, this isn’t some far-out conspiracy theory cooked up by a couple of stoners in their parents’ basement while they should have been working on their resumés – this is simply a case of capitalism run amok, invading what should be the sacred space of the public servant.

You see, it’s fairly difficult to patent a plant, and in order for the Big Pharmaceutical industry to cash in on the green rush, they’ll need to be able to fit the cure-all into a neat little business niche from their somewhat outdated formula for success.

So, after nearly a century of anti-marijuana propaganda in America, change will come slowly.  Some are still vociferously opposed to the wholesale legalization of the drug, and these archaic apparitions are now making entirely vile claims in order to bolster their support.

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Law enforcement officials in Illinois claim they’ll have to euthanize their police dogs if the state moves to make pot legal.

Chad Larner, a K-9 training director in Macon County, says it’s the only reasonable thing to do if lawmakers pass a bill allowing recreational marijuana use.

“Because many K-9s are trained not to be social so their work won’t be affected, Larner said a number of dogs would likely have to be euthanized,” reports The Bloomington Pantagraph.

Once the dogs are trained to sniff, it’s difficult or impossible to retrain them, says the police chief of the town of Normal.

“At this point, they’re trained on five different odors. Once they’re programmed with that, you can’t just deprogram them,” Normal Police Chief Steve Petrilli told the paper, admitting the plan to kill the dogs doesn’t seem rational.

The sheer moronic gravity of this statement is flabbergasting.

The idea that these departments would simply flush a sizable investment down the drain because the end of cannabis prohibition occurred is completely preposterous and an insult to Americans everywhere.

It can cost $20,000-$29,000 to start a K-9 unit, according to figures given by K-9 officers. And then you have to account for maintenance training and general living expenses for the dog, including food and vet care.

After initial training, maintenance training usually consists of either training at your own facility with equipment you purchase once for maybe $1,000 all together and use for about five years, or paying a nearby agency a nominal fee to train with them. Food is relatively inexpensive. You’ll probably need a 40-pound bag of kibble every five or six weeks. Vet bills can vary widely, however, from $400 on the low end to more than $1,000 a year. K-9s are in the line of fire with their trainers, and come in contact with the same hazards as human police officers. Depending on what you come across on the beat, your dog may need to be treated for walking on broken glass or being stabbed.

A dog is possibly the most important purchase for a K-9 unit. A single-purpose dog can cost $2,500-$4,000, without training, or very little. If you purchase a dog from a private vendor, they can be more expensive. A dog trained for dual purpose-for both patrol and narcotics, for example-can cost $8,000-$10,000.

Please, Illinois.  Spare the rest of us your opinion on anything related to the police, keeping your city safe, or what’s right when it comes to fighting crazed drug gangs.  I think your record speaks for itself.


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